I realize I haven’t ranted on this blog for a while. Well you know what, I’ve been saving a few things that piss me off. So let’s have at ‘er! Here are 5 things that piss me off!! YEEHAW!!
1) Gas Station Computer Terminals
Today you can go down to future shop and buy a cell phone with a full colour touch screen. It will play music, take pictures, receive calls, and do many other things. Yet for all the glorious advances in computer technology, it still takes 3 whole seconds for the computers at gas pumps to process the fact that you’ve pushed a fucking button. They still have that monochromatic palette that reminds one of the MS-DOS days. Even the beeps come late – by the time the beep comes, I’ve already pushed the next button! And NO I DON’T WANT A GODDAM CARWASH TODAY. IF I DID I WOULD ASK FOR ONE YOU BUTTHOLE!
It’s bad enough that I’m losing an arm and a leg to pay for gas, I shouldn’t have to lose my time and patience as well. So gas stations, get better computers with sweet colour screens. Or at least install Number Munchers or Oregon Trail onto those things so that I can have the full experience of using a shitty obsolete computer.
2) Creationism In School
Holy shit, why are we having this debate? Why are we even talking to these people? How did CREATIONISM become a political issue?! These people think that Jesus walked with the goddam dinosaurs! Was ancient Rome terrorized by lumbering T-Rex’s? Maybe the Egyptians got giant Sauropods to carry the bricks to the pyramids. Oh wait a second… the bones were PLANTED there… yes… planted there by Jesus just to FUCK with us…. OF COURSE! THANK YOU CREATIONISTS! IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW!
How did these crooks and liars get their fingers into the school system? Don’t get me wrong; if you wanna send your poor kids to some backwards institution of religious indoctrination and fill their heads with apocryphal lies and half-baked pseudo-science, then I won’t try and stop you. But ENOUGH with the assertion that it’s fair to teach “both sides of the argument”. THERE IS NO FUCKING ARGUMENT! An argument needs to actually SAY something, and there is not a single creationist out there that can explain life on Earth without falling back on laughable platitudes and blatant factual distortions. To all the naive religious youngsters out there, ask yourself: do I actually believe this bullshit? Just look into it A BIT. Please, for the sake of your own self-respect, open at least one legitimate science book in your lifetime.
C’mon guys. The Church obviously has to assert that evolution is wrong because if they accept it they admit their mythical tales never happened. And if their mythical tales never happened, they can’t skim your wages, intervene in your sex life, or send you to war. They’re just trying to trick you!
And as Christopher Hitchens poignantly noted, if we teach both sides of the argument, that means you teach Darwin in sunday school too. How’s that you bastards?
3) Bosses Who Use The Word “Workshopping”
What the hell does that even mean? The last thing this world needs is another patronizing neologism. I don’t want to “workshop” my ideas you snivelling toad. Keep your bureaucratic doublespeak to yourself, and don’t insult my intelligence by using evasive language to hide the fact that you’re trying to micro-manage me. We all see through it, because we are the smart ones, not you. You can go back to your cubicle and develop your administrative tactics all you like, but unless you learn how to talk to people directly, you will never get the corner office.
4) Chicks Who Post Clubbing Pictures On Facebook Every Weekend
Okay. We get it. You’re really really cool. You’re super hot, and you party all the time. You’re the most awesome person I’ve ever met, and I want to hang out with you but I’m too scared to talk to you because you are so popular. And gee, look at how cool your guyfriends are. Look how snappily their do-rags match their flipped collars.
The pictures you took are really cool. Wow… 60 of them!? It must have been a wild night if you could have taken so many pictures. I see you took many on the dance floor. Only the really COOL people take pictures of themselves on the dance floor. I see you’re sticking your tounge between your fingers in many of these pictures. How clever! And very scandalous! Do you know anybody in Hollywood?
News flash babe: your photo albums go straight into the spank-banks of all the creepy guys you knew in high-school. The rest of us stopped looking a long time ago. Give it a rest.
5) Birds That Chirp At 3:30 AM
Dammit you assholes! It’s not morning yet! I’m just going to bed, and you’re already trumpeting the arrival of dawn? I’m pretty sure that sun ain’t over the horizon yet, so just chill out for a few more hours would ya?
There you have it. Take care everyone.